One time when we went to the nearby lake, a spider fell on me.
Three. Times. In a row.
And I don’t talk little tickly baby spider here, no those things were HUGE. Or maybe it was the same spider which had some weird crush on me, idek.
However, the first one crawled down my arm and scared the living shit out of me, but somehow I managed not to scream. The second was in my hair, very real and very alive. I didn’t scream.
The third got stuck in my shirt.
On the car ride home, I felt it struggling against my back. When we arrived, I very calmly got out of the car, undressed in the middle of the street, and ganked that motherfucker.
I did not scream.
That was when I realized I must have superpowers after all.
what i’d really like is for someone to objectively watch me for a week or so and then just sit down with me for a few hours and explain to me what i am like and how i look to others and what my personality is in detail and how i need to improve where do i sign up for that
in all my life, I have never encountered such an astounding act of trolling as the time I spent an hour and a half downloading what I thought was a Good Omens fanmix and then discovering that it was a Best of Queen album.
2. When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her alone.
3. If you pull over to help a woman whose car has broken down, remember not to rape her.
4. If you are in an elevator and a woman gets in, don’t rape her.
5. When you encounter a woman who is asleep, the safest course of action is to not rape her.
6. Never creep into a woman’s home through an unlocked door or window, or spring out at her from between parked cars, or rape her.
7. Remember, people go to the laundry room to do their laundry. Do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
8. Use the Buddy System! If it is inconvenient for you to stop yourself from raping women, ask a trusted friend to accompany you at all times.
9. Carry a rape whistle. If you find that you are about to rape someone, blow the whistle until someone comes to stop you.
10. Don’t forget: Honesty is the best policy. When asking a woman out on a date, don’t pretend that you are interested in her as a person; tell her straight up that you expect to be raping her later. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the woman may take it as a sign that you do not plan to rape her.
I try to be a good person, but I’m not. Actually, I suck major ass at being a good person. No wonder nobody likes me.
I treat people in ways they don’t deserve, and I’m not even talking great scale here, no, it’s the little things that gnaw away on friendships. And then I feel like I’m turning away from people, but in fact they’re turning away from me. All because I am one self-centred douchebag par excellance.
Just because I’m sick doesn’t give me the right to be a little shit about it.
Gods, I am such a fail.
“I’m the deranged guy in London walking around pretending he’s on the phone but actually like speaking in iambic pentameter cause I’m learning Shakespeare”— Tom Hiddleston on how he learns lines (via viva-buymoria)
I wish someone would randomly tell me little facts about myself. Not ones that I have already told them but ones they have picked up by themselves because they care enough to notice the little things I do.